Trigger warning: suicide, depression, dysphoria.
I’ve been on SSRI antidepressants on-and-off since my late teens. I tried to quit several times but couldn’t last more than a few months without becoming extremely depressed so I’ve always gone back to the pills. The dysphoria was driving me insane and I needed to get back that feeling of nothingness to pretend it wasn’t there.
I think the pills were both a curse and a blessing for me. A blessing because it’s likely that I would have offed myself a long time ago without them. A curse because they allowed me to slip into a comfortable numbness that made me ignore my problems for years.
Now is the first time since I started my transition that I’m off antidepressants. The reason at first was an accident: my doctor had gone on vacation and forgotten to refill my prescription. I wasn’t able to get a hold of him until weeks later but by then I was so happy to be able to feel a full range of emotions again that I didn’t want to get back on the meds.
I feared I would become depressed again but that hasn’t happened. I have days when I feel sad but it’s nothing like the crippling depression I used to experience. I think that it’s likely because I don’t feel as dysphoric since being on T and getting top surgery.
Being able to feel more emotions, both good and bad, has really shaken me up over the last few months. I’ve had to confront a lot of things about myself and I feel I’ve grown more as a person in months than I did in years.
The latest truth I’ve had to learn to accept is that I do have bottom dysphoria, no matter how much I like to pretend that I don’t. This will come as no surprise to those who have followed my blog for a while. I’ve gone back and forth a lot with whether or not I want bottom surgery. I even started a bottom surgery journey blog during a period when I was dead set on having phalloplasty, only to change my mind and delete it.
I don’t know how much I’m going to blog about my phalloplasty. It probably won’t be until years in the future (universal healthcare is great and I’m happy I won’t have to worry about paying for it but the waiting lists are long as hell) and quite frankly I’ve reached a period in my life when I’m sick of talking about being trans. I just want to get a body as close as possible to the one I should have been born with and get on with my life as just another guy.
Maybe I’ll do a Q&A post when the surgery is done, I don’t know. I’d prefer not to think about it too much for now since thinking about bottom surgery reminds me of what’s between my legs now and it triggers dysphoria.
If there’s one thing I’d like to end this post with it’s a message to other trans guys that you don’t need to feel ashamed of having bottom dysphoria or wanting bottom surgery. You might think “well, duh” but there is so much shitting on the surgery alternatives for trans men (often based on myths) that I feel it needs to be said. There also this message going around that having “vagina pride” and being a “proud man with a pussy” is the most empowering thing for trans men. Of course, some trans men don’t have bottom dysphoria and that’s awesome but getting surgery if it’s the right thing for you is just as empowering.