6 months on T and still waiting for a real change + some thoughts on the French elections

Today is exactly six months since I started testosterone. A lot of good things have happened. I’m definitely hairier than I used to be. My muscles are a bit more well-defined. My mood is more stable than it’s ever been. My voice has dropped, not as much as I’d like to but it’s definitely darker than before. 

But even with all that has changed, overall my life has not. I get read as female on a daily basis. Not even having my breasts remove in February has changed that. At work, at the store, on the train… It seems I’m just as invisible a man as I was six months ago. 

Even at home it’s the same. Like many Swedish people in their mid-twenties I have no choice but to live with my parents due to the housing crisis. I get called she and my birth name all the time. It’s obvious by now that my family will never respect that I am a man. I try not to care because I know it will never change. But it still feels shitty and with the state of the housing crisis I’ll be lucky if I get my own apartment before I’m 30. 

Socially and romantically things are also as dead as they were six months ago. I hate going out. I don’t like being around people because, apart from a handfull of friends who truly se me, I’m seen as someone I’m not wherever I go.

Romantically is where it hits me the hardest, though. The only people who find me even remotely desirable are queer women who think I’m a butch lesbian. But I love men. I want a man to love me as another man but I’m invisible to other men who love men. 

Apart from some sexual experiences with women, which I didn’t find arousing or even interesting, unvoluntary celibacy has been my lot. It will probably continue to be for some time. My first real relationship is another thing I’ll be happy if I get to experience before I’m 30. 

On a happier note: I’m expecting to get an appointment next month to the endocrinologist. Up till now I’ve had to go through a doctor in Britain to get my T prescription, which has been quite expensive but still worth it. I also hope the Swedish doc will put me on injections instead of gel. Not being able to do things like exercise or go swimming for must of the day is a real bummer and then there’s the whole thing with always having to worry about cross -contamination. I don’t know how true this is because I keep hearing contradictory statements from both docs and other trans guys but I’ve heard injections are more effective and bring on more changes more quickly, so let’s hope it’s the case. 

Not much else is happening in my life. I focus on my work and my writing, although the latter is going more slowly than I’d like due to problems with my computer. I paid to get it repaired but they fucked it up even more than it was before so now it’s in repairs again. Hopefully I’ll get it back soon and working properly. 

This hasn’t been a happy post and quite frankly I kind of feel like shit today. In an couple of hours the French elections will be over and then a gay-hating, racist bigot could be the new president. Everybody says the center liberal candidate Macron will win by a landslide but I don’t trust humans enough to just assume they’ll make the less insane choice. I mean, just look at what happened in the US elections.

It wouldn’t surprise me in the least if Le Pen won. It could be the start of a massive wave of LGBTQ-phobia and racism spreading all over Europe and that scares the hell out of me. 

But there is no point in despairing before we know the results. Whatever happens I’ll update with a post tomorrow. 


On The Resistance: It’s about survival

Ever since the resistance movement against Donald Trump started many, mostly Trump supporters, have been asking why people don’t just accept that he won and move on. Like, doesn’t it just make you sore losers?
Well, the answer is that for many resistance is not much of a choice. At least not unless you are an completely apathetic being who doesn’t care about bad shit that could happen to you.
Personally I was pretty much done with everything pertaining to politics when Trump won. My view is that humanity is basically doomed and that the most noble thing our destructive species could do is try not to fuck up the place too much before we inevitably go extinct. So politics and everything that has to do with human society leaves me quite cold most of the time.
But then there was Trump. Trump who loves Putin and nukes and assaulting women. Trump who is giving away immense power to Mike Pence and other Christian theocrats like him. Trump who wants to bomb civilians and who doesn’t even have the restrain to not rant on Twitter in the middle of the night. And then, well, even a bitter cynic like me couldn’t  help but feel like it just wasn’t right. So I decided to do something about it.
Truth be told, I’m not a strong supporter of the resistance (I’m not sure I can consider myself really a part of it as I’m not an American) simply because I’m such a nice guy. Had I been a Christian, heterosexual, cis and rich it’s possible I might not have cared as much. But I’m not all these things. I am a natural enemy of Trump and his Christian fundamentalist minions simply by virtue of born being transgender and gay. By being an atheist I am their ideological enemy. And by being working class I am among those who will have to pay the biggest price when Trump fucks up the American, and then inevitably, the global economy.

Because that’s one thing I want to point out: what happens in the US affects us all. A lot of Americans don’t realize this but your country is the most powerful in the world financially, militarily and culturally. When shit goes bad in the US, shit goes bad everywhere.

Here in Europe we have already begun to see a “Trump effect”, where far-right nationalist parties of different countries have grown in confidence and are going to try their best to win coming elections. Just this year there will be many elections in the EU. Among other places in France, where the country soon could be run by a party founded by a man whose racism makes Trump look like an amateur. 

So for many, involvement in the resistance is not about being a sore loser or crybaby. It’s about fighting back against those who want to fight us. 

Here’s the thing: I couldn’t give two shits about your beliefs. If you think I’m a repulsive human being who will be barbecued in hell by Jesus simply for being queer, that’s honestly fine with me. I really don’t care.

And if you think you’re a superior being because of the color of your skin or nationality, nobody can force you to believe otherwise.

But when you actively attempt to make your bigoted beliefs into law…. When you want to take away people’s rights, like forbidding them to marry the one they love or doing what they want with their own bodies, when you want to make them second-class citizen just because they have more melanin in their skin… Well, now we have a problem.

So here’s your answer. Why do people fight back? Because you made them your enemies and they aren’t just going to take it.

But you want to know what really saddens me? That so many never wanted to be your enemies. All could have lived in peace. Gay and bi and straight people. White people and people of color. Atheists and religious people. Muslims and Christians. Cis and trans. But you didn’t want that. You chose a man who doesn’t want that and whose VP most definitely does not want that.

So I guess this means the fight is on. Try not to hurt yourself.