1 year post top surgery + lower surgery but not the kind I used to want

This is a transition related post and contains a lot of medical, possibly gross stuff you may not want to know about, in which case feel free to read no further. Warning also for photos of scars.

Tomorrow, 15th February, I’ll be exactly one year post-op top surgery. The operation went well but I got an infection afterwards which looked pretty bad and for a while it seemed I might loose one or both my nipples. But after proper treatment, the infection went away and I got to keep both of them.

This is how my chest looks today:

I don’t know if I’m imagining things or if it is really the case that my scars are a bit wider than what I’ve seen in other trans guys’ 1 year post-op pics. Maybe it’s because I know people with Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos are more likely to developed wide scars that I’m being paranoid about it? I don’t know.

Either way, I’m still happy I had the opportunity to have top surgery and I have no regrets. It has made me way more comfortable in my body and some days I’ll still be staring in awe at my flat chest like it’s too good to be true.

On to bottom surgery:

Some may have already noticed that I’ve deleted my bottom surgery blog and the post I wrote about it. The reason is that I’ve realised this operation wouldn’t be right for me. I probably come across as being indecisive and maybe I am but I’d rather be than rush into something I might regret.

I was away on vacation last week and had a lot of time to think and meditate in a way I’m not able to in my hectic 9-5 everyday life. I spent a lot of time thinking about this problem I, and I suspect many other trans people, have: It’s hard for me to distinguish between what I want and what other people want of me.

For 24 years I did everything I could to be everything others wanted me to be. Doing what *I* want in life is still a new concept to me. Sometimes I still have a hard time figuring out if I want to do something because of me or because it’s the “normal” thing to do. And there’s nothing considered normal about a dickless, vagina-having man.

I think I let others’ opinions affect how I felt about my own body and it made me resent parts I didn’t have any issues with for the longest time.

Well, not dysphoria related issues at least. EDS has been screwing up all sorts of things in my body all my life and my downstairs bits have not been spared. At 15 I started to have problems with uterine prolapse and now I’m having troubles with my bladder. It looks like I might have to have surgery to fix it.

I have a couple of doctor’s appointment coming up and I’ll know more after that. It’s sucks but I have to appreciate the supreme fucking irony of having to have surgery on my bits right after coming to terms with not needing surgery on my bits.

 

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