I’ve been waiting to start T since December 2014. First it took months to find a doctor willing to write me a referral to the gender clinic. Most doctors I asked didn’t even know what the gender clinic was. Then there was the whole gender therapy thing, which took over a year. When I finally got my diagnosis six months ago I was told it would take 6-8 months before I got an appointment with the endocrinologist to start testosterone. So it was supposed to be sometime between September and November this year.
Because of this I allowed myself to get my hopes up the last couple of weeks. Thinking I was going to get my appointment within the next two months (perhaps even within the next days!) I’ve been feeling very optimistic and happy. But that ended yesterday.
I called the clinic to ask how long until I was called. I was told that the waiting time has gotten even longer. Apparently they are now taking care of patients who should have been called in December 2015. So the patients are getting their appointments about ten months late. From the list the nurse told me I was supposed to have come in June. So from that I conclude that I probably won’t get any testosterone before April-May of next year. But I don’t let myself hope I will get it then either. I know better by now.
You think I’d gotten used to get disappointed by the trans health care in this country but yesterday really felt like a punch in the gut. Just when I thought I was finally going to get what I need to finally get to live as a man, as myself, I’m told: “Nope! Not yet!”
I took it harder than I thought I would. I’ve been feeling really numb since yesterday and trying to snap out of the dissociation I’ve fallen into. Last night I didn’t get much sleep and this morning I felt too apathetic to even pick up the phone and call in sick to work. So now my boss is on my ass and I’ve gotten a warning. If I get another one I might just get fired.
I really need to get over this big disappointment and continue to struggle on. I need to focus on things that give my life meaning, such as my writing, and to get my ass back to work before I loose my main source of income. If there’s something I’ve learned in life is that nothing worth anything ever comes easy.
One day I’ll get my testosterone and then I’ll finally live in the world as myself and be seen as who I really am. I just need to remember that. The wait fucking sucks and I feel like I’m missing out on so much. But I’m not giving up. I’ve got too much to look forward to, to do that.