Training update, bad news and unexpected good news 

Some weeks ago I wrote a post about my plans to get fit before top surgery. I had a diet and fitness plan and initially stuck to it. I found it pretty easy since I love exercise and working out. I was at the gym three times a week and loving every minute of it. 

But after some time I started experiencing the same chronic fatigue that had previously been bothering me for years. Things had really gotten better since I had started taking Strattera for my ADD but it seems like the relief it gave me might have only been temporary. 

Lately I’ve felt a constant exhaustion that just won’t go away no matter how much I rest. Any energy I have I use to get through the work day and sometimes I struggle like crazy to even get out of bed in the morning. Most of my free time in the last couple of weeks I’ve spent sleeping or watching TV because I don’t have the stamina to do much else. I’ve even had to cancel plans with friends because I was too exhausted to go outside. 

I really don’t know what happened and I hope it’s only a temporary thing, like seasonal depression. I’m also thinking that maybe it’s a thyroid issue as it runs in my family and after looking up the symptoms I’ve realised that I have most of the symptoms of hypothyroidism. 

If things don’t get better soon, I’ll go to the doctor and ask them to check my thyroid hormone levels. As it turns out, I have several blood tests coming up soon so I could bring it up with them then. 

Which brings me to some unexpected good news: I might get on testosterone soon! 

If you’ve read my previous post you know that I recently learned I probably won’t get to see the endocrinologist until next spring. And it’s still the case. 

But I got a tip from a fellow blogger (shoutout to Androgendernaut!) about a private clinic in the UK. So I contacted them and it looks like they will be able to help me get on T! I just need to have some blood test done and have some therapy with their therapist through Skype and hopefully then I will get a prescription. 

It feels weird writing this, almost like it’s too good to be true. I’ve been waiting for this for so long it feels surreal that it might actually happen soon. But I’ll be sure to update about how it goes. 
If you’re interested to learn about this private UK clinic and how to get help from them, you can check out their website:



Transition update: Bad news like a punch in the gut.

I’ve been waiting to start T since December 2014. First it took months to find a doctor willing to write me a referral to the gender clinic. Most doctors I asked didn’t even know what the gender clinic was. Then there was the whole gender therapy thing, which took over a year. When I finally got my diagnosis six months ago I was told it would take 6-8 months before I got an appointment with the endocrinologist to start testosterone. So it was supposed to be sometime between September and November this year.

Because of this I allowed myself to get my hopes up the last couple of weeks. Thinking I was going to get my appointment within the next two months (perhaps even within the next days!) I’ve been feeling very optimistic and happy. But that ended yesterday.

I called the clinic to ask how long until I was called. I was told that the waiting time has gotten even longer. Apparently they are now taking care of patients who should have been called in December 2015. So the patients are getting their appointments about ten months late. From the list the nurse told me I was supposed to have come in June. So from that I conclude that I probably won’t get any testosterone before April-May of next year. But I don’t let myself hope I will get it then either. I know better by now.

You think I’d gotten used to get disappointed by the trans health care in this country but yesterday really felt like a punch in the gut. Just when I thought I was finally going to get what I need to finally get to live as a man, as myself, I’m told: “Nope! Not yet!”

I took it harder than I thought I would. I’ve been feeling really numb since yesterday and trying to snap out of the dissociation I’ve fallen into. Last night I didn’t get much sleep and this morning I felt too apathetic to even pick up the phone and call in sick to work. So now my boss is on my ass and I’ve gotten a warning. If I get another one I might just get fired.

I really need to get over this big disappointment and continue to struggle on. I need to focus on things that give my life meaning, such as my writing, and to get my ass back to work before I loose my main source of income. If there’s something I’ve learned in life is that nothing worth anything ever comes easy.

One day I’ll get my testosterone and then I’ll finally live in the world as myself and be seen as who I really am. I just need to remember that. The wait fucking sucks and I feel like I’m missing out on so much. But I’m not giving up. I’ve got too much to look forward to, to do that.



Transition update: eggs successfully collected and frozen!

Just so you know: in this post I will go through my experience with having my eggs collected at the hospital. Some parts might be triggering/TMI for some people. 

Yesterday came finally the last step in my eggs freezing adventure. I arrived at the clinic around 8 a.m. and was welcomed by a nurse who took me to a hospital room where I was given painkillers, calming medication and an hospital gown to change into. She put in an IV in my arm and let me rest for about an hour.

By the time I had arrived at the hospital I had been experiencing lower abdominal pain for a couple of hours, which in this situation can be a good thing as it is a sign that the eggs are ready to be collected. Still, it was pretty uncomfortable and even walking was painful.

When the painkillers and calming meds had kicked in I was taken to the operating room  where I got to sit in one of those gynecological examination chairs, which felt even more awkward than usual before there were six different people in the room and assisting the procedure.

After being given some morphine (which gave me all sorts of calmness and happy feelings) the doctor started. This part is dome by putting a needle through the vaginal wall and into the ovaries to suck out the eggs.

When she did one side, I felt a little bit of pain and discomfort but it was okay and over pretty quickly. But the other side, I don’t really know why, was more painful. Sometimes even really painful. But the nurses were a great help and gave me some more morphine + let me breathe in some laughing gas which eased the pain and help me relax.

Soon, the other side was done. In all the procedure took 10 minutes if even that.
I was taken back to the room where I was finally allowed to have some breakfast, since I had to be fasting since midnight. I rested for maybe an hour and hanged out with a friend who had come along for moral support. Then I was allowed to go home and it was done for the day.

I experienced some abdominal pain and bleeding, which is common afterwards, under most of the rest of the day. But it passed and now I feel fine.

In total 14 eggs were collected, which according to the doctor is a pretty good nummer.

I’m glad this is over with and happy to know that my genetic material is safely stored if ever I want to have biological children in the future.

I am now looking forward to the next step in my transition: starting testosterone.